Consumer or Citizen

Statistics show that the overwhelming reason for the breakdown of marriage is “drifting apart”. Why do marriages drift? Primarily because we buy into the marriage boat ready to sail off into the sunset together and expect that love, good intentions and the current will keep us on course for everlasting paradise. The current, however, is not a friend but a potentially dangerous rip that threatens to drive us apart, resulting in less connection, less intimacy and less spark.

Dr William Doherty claims that the overwhelming current in contemporary culture is consumerism and marketplace values that have crept unnoticed into the family. These influence parenting styles with well intentioned parents raising entitled children who are consumers of parental services rather than responsible citizens of families and communities. The consumer culture has also invaded marriage and can be detected in thoughts such as What am I getting out of this marriage…I deserve better. One minute you’re doing a cost-benefit analysis to measure what you are getting out of your relationship in terms of what you are putting into it; and the next minute you’re thinking that you have not cut the best possible deal in marrying this person. At the heart of consumer culture is the idea that our purchases and our relationships should be therapeutic, that is, they should make us feel good. But what if there was a greater purpose in our relationships other than making us feel good?

Perhaps our most intimate relationship is a venue for building personal growth and character; expanding our capacity to think not only of what is best for oneself but to incorporate another’s desires and dreams into our own life plan. Marriage is therapeutic but that doesn’t mean it always provides us with warm and fuzzy feelings. Sometimes our marriages give us intense joy and at other times intense pain. And unfortunately when the painful times come there are plenty of advisors to encourage us to stop working so hard and to exit a relationship that is not meeting all our needs. In consumer marriage the customer is always right and deserves a money back guarantee. But trading in our relationships is usually accompanied by a great degree of pain and emptiness. So what is the alternative to a consumer marriage?

Doherty suggests that we need to replace our consumer attitude with intentional marriage. Intentional marriage is one where partners are conscious and deliberate about maintaining and building their connection and commitment. They see themselves as active citizens of their marriage rather than passive consumers of marital services. Intentional couples have a joint navigational plan. They paddle hard to stay connected by finding time for each other, making a concerted effort to reconnect after periods of busyness. They are committed for keeps and have no exit strategy. Both partners take joint responsibility for any course corrections and are willing to seek help when needed. Intentional marriage is about everyday attention as well as long-range planning to stay on course. Drifting is not an option.

- Linda