A Win Win Marriage

The movie Battle of the Sexes portrayed the 1973 tennis match between Billie Jean King and Bobby Riggs as a fight for women’s equality and freedom. Men and women were pitted against each other as bitter adversaries and the only way for women to lift themselves up was to denounce men as sexist cavemen who could be beaten in a competition for power. In the movie the relationship between men and women is portrayed as a win-lose battle; if one wins, the other loses.

Often unwittingly, this attitude can invade our closest relationship, squeezing out equity, admiration, encouragement and mutual influence. If this sounds like your relationship, beware- accepting influence from your spouse has been found to be an essential ingredient in marriage survival and satisfaction.

Accepting influence is about moving from a position of “me” to “we,” which requires a shift toward maturity, beyond seeing the world as a binary, right-wrong, win-lose game. Stan Tatkin (2011) describes this as the move from a one-person to a two-person psychological system in which partners prioritise the safety and security of the relationship and actively work toward a win-win outcome. This involves each partner allowing themselves to be impacted by their spouse’s state, thoughts, emotions and needs. Each partner recognises that it is in their best interests to create a relationship that is satisfying for both of them.

Research has found that when a husband in particular, is not willing to share power with his wife there is an 81 percent chance that the marriage will self-destruct (Gottman & Silver, 2007). It is not about giving up all personal power but about becoming partners in decision making through respecting and honouring each others opinions and feelings- searching for common ground rather than insistence on getting one’s way.

What is a practical step you can take to do that? When you encounter a difference of opinion, train yourself to ask “what am I missing here?”.  Put aside your agenda and assume your partner is seeing something you aren’t. Relationship damage occurs when differences are devalued- dismissed or even mocked. Personal development takes place when you see the world from your partner’s perspective, offering you the opportunity to expand your view of the world.

For a marriage to be most effective it takes a willingness to change. Not to abandon one’s own identity but to be willingly transformed for a greater purpose. Your transformation and unity as a couple can offer hope to those in your world. A relationship thrives and becomes a power of influence when partners respond to each other’s differences with “My heart is towards you, I have your back, I am committed to you. Help me understand things from your perspective. What can we do together to change things?”

Aim to have a marriage where you are both open to each other’s most dearly held beliefs. The more you create a marriage where these convictions can be readily divulged, the more joyous will be the journey through life that you share. That is the definition of a win-win situation.

- Linda